And that as they say, is that. Well not quite. You would have thought that having got to the little mermaid and doing the whole picture thing we could go to my sisters place, chill out and have some dinner… Quite simply the scariest 10km I’ve ever cycled! It made Benny dare devil look like a health and safety officer.

15km to the end from my grandads in Greve but with it being my birthday I had a lazy lie in (7.30) and after breakfast we all went for a swim in the local pool. I’ve been before so knew what to expect so showered before they got to the showers but Ed and ben were a bit taken back when my grandad said “you have to shower without shorts on so you need to take them off” (in his strong Danish accent), welcome to Denmark boys!

After a nice lunch we were sent on our way and after 5 minutes cycling my stomach started itching and I wondered whether Ed and ben had put itching powder in my shorts but then I thought it was my iPod cable rubbing. All of a sudden it started to hurt and get worse, I stopped to have a look and a red ant had got into my pants! What the hell, I thought it was just a saying but fortunately I’d had a cold shower at the pool so he would had to have gone a very long way to get any of the good stuff. Crisis averted and we were at the mermaid in an hour and a half.

Getting in to my sisters flat the first priority was to get the shaver on the go. The pact was to not shave during the trip which is fine for Ed and ben when they can actually grow facial hair but mine looked beyond ridiculous. I was sick of it and feel 2 grams lighter for getting rid of it.

Now we can enjoy the evening of drinks and celebrations. Thank you to everyone who have sent messages, it has been a fun birthday and nice to get them as we finish the trip. We’ll spend the next few days enjoying Copenhagen and then back again, I’ve packed my arm bands and rubber ring to get back into Bournemouth.

Finally thank you to everyone who has followed these silly blogs, I hope it has provided some light hearted entertainment while we’ve been away. I have to admit that I have lied a couple of times in the blog, once when I said I was 21 and the other when Edd kissed his knee after falling over, he didn’t kiss it he just hugged it while a tear rolled down his cheeks saying his girlfriends name over and over.

No quote today but I will finish off with two photos, one from the mermaid (which we queue jumped and annoyed a crowd of people to do) and my little nephew because he’s so cute. Until next time, bye bye.

Without doubt, you cannot beat a home cooked meal. We’ve gone two weeks now eating out every single night, aside from the expense it gets boring quite quickly. Tonight we stay at my grandad’s or in Danish, morfar. He’s my personal hero for not only cooking us an incredible dinner and letting us stay but also how full of life he is, I like to think that’s where I get my motivation from.

So the penultimate day and there was to be no hanging around because we had plenty of miles to do. It’s got to the stage now where we all want to finish and just enjoy ourselves and as a result, the social joking around on the bikes has changed to head down keep cycling get it done. Also it didn’t help that the rain was coming in (yet again) and I only had two gears to choose from. We had to cycle to Nyborg where the train would take us across the bridge to the last island.

My bike clearly needed some TLC because when I lifted it off the train and put it down, the bolt holding the rack sheared off like it did last year. This time around I could not be bothered to wait around for a shop to fix it and rode on carefully as if the bike was made of glass.

As we get closer to Copenhagen, the bike lanes become more of a pain in the behind (as if it could get any worse!) taking you the long way round each time but 15 miles to the mermaid tomorrow is a mere formality and won’t take too long.

It seems strange to think that a year tomorrow and I was sipping on celebratory milk for my birthday. Since tomorrow is a short cycling day, we can take it easy and then go for some drinks in the evening but we only have shorts, tshirt and flip flops so I doubt we’ll get into many places.

Edd and ben are feeling the effects and the end couldn’t have come sooner. They’ve done well to cycle every day and deserve the rest this weekend but I have a different mentality when I cycle and craved more miles, which I would only get going solo. Throughout the trip I’ve mentally accepted that I would be capable of a mammoth challenge but we will have to wait and see…

Finally, the quote of the day probably doesn’t mean much without context but when Edd said “look I’ve used nearly a whole tub of Vaseline”… I’ll let you decide for yourself where it went.

I came across a web page a few months ago called 27 things I’ve learned in 27 years. I agree with all of them and some you’ll probably relate to if you’re an old bird like me so what with turning 27 tomorrow, I thought I would share them with you.

1. The first pancake always turns out badly.

2. You don’t have to get along with everyone, or make everyone like you.

3. Love makes you stupid.

4. You always have at least 2 choices, even if you don’t like your choices.

5. Sometimes even women need to learn to MTFU (man the f*** up)

6. Most people operate out of selfish motivations.

7. It’s rarely about you.

8. Soda is evil.

9. It’s okay to break the rules, as long as you are good enough not to get caught, and you aren’t hurting anyone.

10. “Be kinder than necessary ’cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

11. There’s three sides to every story- his, hers, and the truth.

12. Time doesn’t heal anything- it’s what you do with that time.

13. Complaining and blaming other people doesn’t help anything, and makes you miserable company.

14. Everything in your life is your responsibility.

15. You train people how to treat you.

16. There’s always hope.

17. You can always be grateful for something.

18. If you aren’t making mistakes, you aren’t trying hard enough.

19. You never really become an adult. You just get more responsibility, and become wiser.

20. Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness. Knowing when it is appropriate is a skill.

21. Google can answer anything.

22. Being silly is one of my favorite qualities in a person.

23. Honesty is always the easiest route. Even if it’s not in the short term.

24. You should never stop learning, or trying to be a better person.

25. Worrying is useless, unless it motivates you to take action.

26. When people show you who they are, believe them.

27. There is only fear, and love. And one of them is way more fun.

It’s finally dawned on us that the trip is coming to an end when we acknowledged that tonight would be the last paid accommodation (thanks to my generous and hospitable family for the rest of the week) which ben and Edd were relieved with because any country not using sterling, is expensive!

Today started so well, the sun was out, it was warm and the road was straight and relatively flat. However the two weeks (and I guess last 2000 miles of America) had taken it’s toll on my gear cable. Out of all the countries we’ve been through, I’m glad the gear cable frayed in Denmark. As a result I only have two gears to choose from and it’s exhausting but fortunately there have only been a few hills to tire me out. With one last big day though I may as well just wait until I get home to have it repaired but tomorrows 80 miles is going to feel like 180.

Despite predicted good weather, much like England, the rain eventually set in and a boring and unsociable afternoon getting to Odense since I couldn’t go slow on the hills or I would have to walk them.

Both Edd and Ben are feeling the strain and 16 days non stop cycling was the right amount because we are all looking forward to the celebrations this weekend. Since arriving into Denmark we’ve noticed a swarm of wasps where ever we go and Ben the nature lover doesn’t react to them, I on the other hand will happily smash them to pieces if it starts wanting a piece which Ben gets angry about. Today I may have won him round when a wasp landed on his arm and stung him for no reason, I’ve vowed to kill every wasp in his honour from here on in.

Today was also a good day for me when I received my first repayment from Victoria in the Phillipines. Victoria is a 70 year old shop keeper who I provided a micro loan to through a website called Kiva so she could buy more canned goods, bread and stock. I feel like I’ve made a positive difference in someones life but at the end of the day I’m still a businessman so she better not make me come over there to get the rest of my $46.

Finally, the quote of the day goes to Edd who after getting an email from someone we could go visit on the way to Copenhagen, asked “where is DK? She said her son is currently visiting DK”… It’s Denmark, Edd.

One other thing, despite me thinking they wouldn’t go through with it, ben and Edd did indeed go to the bouncy thing at 8am however they were left disappointed when it wasn’t turned on until 9, silly boys.

Camping in Denmark listening to Edd and Ben role play a girl trying to entice Ben into her tent without Ben being allowed to tell her he has a girlfriend or being gay, is a surreal experience. That is however what the trip has evolved into.

Breakfast was included in our hotel room price and meant that we could have a lie in (7am). With some TLC to the bikes (a few pumps and a squirt) and the sun shining for once we were destined for a magical day as we set off for Denmark. 35 miles to the border but it wasn’t straight forward, when normal people look at those modern windmills generating electricity they think that looks nice but as a cyclist I question how fast is it going round and what direction is it facing. They were spinning fast and the wind was relentless but it was like a final battle to cross the finish line. Obviously the finish line is in Copenhagen but it’s a tiny country and we have 3 days left for a distance that could be done in one day if needed. However we have to finish Thursday so we have plenty of time to enjoy this amazing country.

Ok that’s slightly biased but it’s my blog so purely my opinion however the friendly people, lovely food and picturesque countryside backs it up. Even though I’ve lived in England all my life it always feels like when a student comes back to home cooking after finishing the academic year.

Edd was pleased to hear that we would be taking it slower, stating that “the holiday starts now!” beginning with the mornings warm up on the kids bouncy castle type thing in the playground. It would have been tonights after dinner activity but there were still kids playing on it and probably wouldn’t have looked good if a 23, 22 and 21 year old went on it.

Ben has cranked his bike maintenance paranoia up a level after his horrific puncture. Every evening and morning he re-aligns his spokes, tonight he taped his handle bars and fixed his inner tube but it might just be he was doing it to prolong the evening. We had a big lunch so dinner was fruit and yoghurt meaning we were in bed by 7.30, if any of us went to sleep we would be wide awake by 3am. When ben announced it was 8.45 Edd shouted “shit it’s getting late” and quickly finished brushing his teeth.

Finally quote of the day goes to ben when at breakfast I said to him “are you not going to have any more?” to which he replied “no that whopper yesterday really filled me up” it would have been fine had he left it at that but he felt the need to tell me “it was just so meaty!”… hopefully he was referring to the burger king and not sleeping next to Edd last night.

Ps just remembered Edd laughed out loud when he saw the sign “din fart” which means your speed in Danish… 23 years old.

***ben picking out a phallic haribo, he refused to open his mouth for the picture***

So, the penultimate day before reaching the mother land and what an anti-climax. Ok granted we got lucky in that when we were told the first boat was at 10am but was actually 8am, we saved a stack of time but cycling from breakfast onwards was raining the entire time.

When I say breakfast I mean burger king. These kids of today have got an obsession with fast food but in hindsight it was just as well we stocked up because the weather didn’t put us in any mood to stop for lunch. That meant doing 50 miles pretty much non stop with a head wind and rain lashing into our face that you get a headache from squinting the entire time. I’m happiest when I’m cycling but this just wasn’t fun because you don’t get any of the social side of it. We all agreed though that we would much rather be doing this than sitting on a beach for 2 weeks because of the variety we get every day.

Despite the weather we still managed 75 miles stopping in a hotel in Husum, about 35 miles from Denmark. We were soaked to the core and even Peanut the bear was drenched but still smiling.

I’ve been cyclin behind Ben a lot of the way now and he’s defied every set up to mine like using road tyres and wearing boxers under his bib shorts. Needless to say it’s just my luck that I get the first puncture and not that I want to go into detail but Castelli (the makers of my over priced shorts) will be getting a strongly worded letter on my return. Yet ben has got by fine… until today. A big fat shard of glass got stuck in his tyre and eventually ben joined my elite club, hopefully that’s the last of any bike incidents however I have been smashing my bike over a lot of pot holes so I will be amazed if it is the last of it.

Edd’s wheel has gone back to rubbing the brakes which makes for tough riding but he said that the physical pain of cycling prevents him from thinking about how much he misses his girlfriend. On that note actually, tomorrow is going to be the longest time since Ben has been away from his girlfriend, I predict he’ll come out in a rash or rapidly go into a heavy depression but time will tell.

Finally quote of the day was from one of the two boys, I’ll leave it anonymous but when one of them was assessing their banana for desert (not a euphemism) the other person said “it’s so bent you could hit the g spot with that”. What a pair of filthy boys.

I didn’t think anybody would be interested in the ramblings of a cyclist but yesterday was an off day and the blog is back on to those who are interested. Maybe it was the Post Nederlands Depression but more likely that the first day in Germany was so boring it didn’t inspire any creative thinking. I came to the conclusion that if there wasn’t anything to write about then leave it for the day because I’m not one to make up lies.

So here we are on day 12 in the shower rooms grabbing some minimal charge with old naked german men walking around freely hocking up their phlegm. Ben concluded the experience with “that guy has testicles the size of fists” for the record, I wasn’t looking because contrary to the attached picture, I’m not gay.

Leaving holland it was throwing it down and getting to Germany it was partial cloud with some sun. That is about the extent I can describe the day. Germany is nice but the people are boring, don’t speak any English and lack any sort of personality. Maybe I’m just looking forward to Denmark so much I’m overlooking the good things but in hindsight I’m glad I put off moving to Germany for now. 60 miles done and a nights camping.

The next day must surely be more exciting? Well yes and no we did just short of 90 miles but it was cycle paths all the way. Eventually in the afternoon the sun came out and (cue full monty theme tune) ben got his milky nips out, watch out frauline’s of Deutschland! It was like a beacon leading the way and eventually I felt inspired to do the same even if it was minimal sunshine. Apparently ben doesn’t mind being called milks because he used to get called the milkman at school, although his girlfriend secretly hates it which is all the more reason to keep using it.

Edd was a very happy bunny when he received an email from saint Michelle, in fact he was so happy he sang out loud through most of the day (I’ve never heard him sing before).

Tomorrow we have to catch the boat to Glüdstuck (or something like that) as we make our way to the Danish border. The flat terrain of holland, going too fast and not setting my bike to the right settings means that my knees are having a whinge. Cycling behind mr consistent aka Edd at a steady but constant pace really helped, at least we’ll have more time to take Denmark slow and enjoy the food, I am so excited.

Finally, I leave you with the picture you all have not been waiting for but since we camped by a lake which people were swimming in, the banter shorts came out (when all the children had gone in) and these are the budgie smugglers in all their glory. Size xs 28 inch waist, just to reconfirm, I’m not gay.

It’s time to leave the showers now, some guy has actually started singing to himself as if he was on x factor.

After a couple of days camping and the gadgets low on battery, the question tentatively crops up “hotel tonight?”. When it’s raining and you’ve just finished 6 hours cycling covering 95 miles, it’s inevitably going to be an unequivocal yes.

It was the earliest start of the trip. I’m one of those annoying morning people but ben and Edd are like bears with a sore head in the morning using the classic “I’ll snooze the alarm for 15 minutes” trick. This time though we were away by 7.45 and really went quick to a town called Zwolle. Ben had a craving for mcdonalds and when he saw the golden m his eyes lit up and nearly cycled straight in! I don’t think I’ve ever had a maccy d so early in the morning.

The entire day we did 190ft of climbing, that’s less than Kansas last year! However with nice weather we put in some fast miles. Later in the afternoon there were some savage winds coming in from the west and May be an indication of bad weather coming in when we make our way to Hanburg. Edd jinxed it by saying “I hope it rains loads tonight and in the morning”… it then started raining while we walked around looking for a restaurant, knob.

It came to light what was up with Edd. He mentioned that his mum hadn’t contacted him for a while now and he was missing her. I tried to re-assure him with a hug but I’m just skin and bones, I could see the disappointment in his face that it wasn’t the hug he craved from his mum.

Ben has been given a new nickname, Dare Devil. Today he was crossing the road and came very close to a car because he dismissed the fundamentals of the green cross code to look both ways. Later on in the day I had to warn him there was a car coming because I’m just not sure whether he’s going to take the risk. His girlfriend is going to be so angry with him.

Today is sadly the last day of holland, I’ve really enjoyed it and reminds me a lot of Denmark. National flags in the garden, school classes going out for bike rides and really friendly people. I can’t think of many people proud of England enough to fly their flag after the weekends chaos. We’re currently in Sellingen on the border so will go straight into Germany tomorrow and hope to do good miles to reach Denmark by Monday so that we can enjoy the amazing country before slapping the mermaids ass on Thursday.

Finally there were a couple of quotes today, Ben being the charmer that he is gave the server in the snack bar (we couldn’t find a cheap enough restaurant) a 50 euro note and asked “is this too big for you?” she was only 16, what a pervert. The winner is Edd though when he said to me “don’t turn around I’m just inspecting my crack” unfortunately I wasn’t listening and turned around so if I had to witness it then it’s only fair you should too. Guten nacht people.

***95 miles took it’s toll on his crotch***

We’ve rocked up to what seems like an all Dutch campsite, where we get stared and talked about whenever we walk past. Ok granted in cycling clothes we look like utter tits, our 3 identical tents erected we look like true geeks and then you’ve got milky and Edd who couldn’t look more like outsiders but we took it in our stride and joined those crazy Dutch cats at the bar to be social (even if it was wearing a hi vis jacket!).

Anyway we woke to something strange in the sky, there was a yellow thing and then lots of blue stuff. We hadn’t seen it since the first day in France but apparently it was called good weather. Not only that, a dry tent! Today was to be the day of all days. If you’ve ever cycled in bournemouth and come across a “cycle path” you enjoy it for all of 30 seconds before its over, here in Holland every road has a separate road just for cyclists, an absolute dream.

Edd has been a bit grumpy the past two days and he hasn’t said why so that means I’m forced to draw my own conclusions (usually wrong…) and I believe it to be one of two things 1) the rain is messing with his beautiful curly locks or 2) he misses his girlfriend now we’re 9 days in. The latter was further backed up when he took the title of “first bike wanker to fall over” cycling to a chain ferry and misjudging the bike lane falling over like a cow in a field with his shoes still clipped in subsequently cutting his knee. He applied a colour plaster his girlfriend gave him and then clutching his knee, he whispered “don’t worry baby we’ll soon be back together” before kissing it. He has since lightened up though so despite the predicted rain fall, hopefully he will be in a better mood.

Milks on the other hand is loving life. As time goes on I am near certain that he will get me killed or himself killed. Yesterday it was the lorry, today he nearly crashed into some other cyclists and he has a constant desire to cycle on roads where there are cycle paths pissing off drivers instantly. Maybe a stern telling off from his girlfriend will do the trick…

Despite the crazy language and generally poor weather, Holland is a lovely place. The people are very friendly and helpful but we expect to be in Germany by Friday so we’ll enjoy it while we can.

70 miles done today but getting closer and we start to figure out whether we are behind or ahead of schedule, either way I will be in Copenhagen for my birthday next week where I fully intend to get wasted I really can’t wait!

Finally, quote of the day goes to Edd, we were walking past the cool Dutch kids (no older than 14) hanging out at the campsite when realising we were English and wolf whistling at us they said “he loves you” pointing to their dorky mate to which Edd replied “I’m not into men” on reflection we felt “he’s not my type” would have been a better response.

Im going to start with the quote of the day which comes courtesy of milks when he stated “I knew Holland was flat but I didn’t think it was this flat!”. Holland is a lovely country but my god is it boring to cycle through.

This morning we woke in our over priced room and had breakfast included, supposedly it was “extensive” but in reality it was continental plus omelette and bacon which any airline would have been proud to serve. That said though, we definitely got our money’s worth.

Edd still had to get his spoke fixed and so it was another late start but a lot earlier than it could have been because the bike shop fixed it immediately at a cost of €5.47. what a jammy sod but the real issue is why all bike shops in England are so utterly useless that you have to book a bike in weeks in advance to get anything done to it. When I grow up I’m going to have my own bike shop and show them how it’s done.

The highlight of the day was reaching the border because everything after that, fun was sucked right out of it. It would rain heavy then sunny but cold and then massive head winds. You deal with what’s thrown at you but a bit of consistency wouldn’t go amiss.

Halfway through now and we have holland, Germany and the mother land to tackle I can’t wait to get to Denmark but all in good time. I’ve been thinking all day about the next challenge and the more I think about it the more I want to do it but will need some thorough research when I get home.

Finally because I know Matt Danger really wants to hear my views on the riots he can read it here. They sound quite bad, hopefully they don’t spread to Watford…

Is it just me or has it become really boring hearing the same opinions on Facebook over and over. I’ll try to stick to the good stuff like ben nearly getting squashed by a lorry or Ed getting so angry he kicked his bike today and leave out the part about my saddle sore making an unnecessary return (I’ll send that part to my mum in a private message)

9.30pm and time for bed in our tents, we’re so rock and roll.

When I decide on where to go on holiday, I set a strict critera:

Does it rain hard enough you feel like you’re being slapped round the face with a wet fish
Is there an opportunity to smash my nuts as if it’s being used for a boxing bag
Will there be toilets that lack paper throughout an entire country?

Fortunately this holiday ticks all requirements, although I shouldn’t be facetious because there are people in poor places like Essex who don’t get the luxury of toilet paper. Despite the poor weather we are enjoying it as much as we can but it would be nice for a little break from the constant rain.

I woke at 8am despite asking Edd for a wake up shout. I think there’s a conspiracy because not only did he not want to wake me but he also sprayed mud all over me when I considerately decided to follow him since one of his spokes had broken. It turns out that pretty much every shop in Belgium is closed on a Monday and we must have passed at least 4 today. Edd’s wheel looks like one of those clown bikes in the circus, wobbling away but still managing to cycle somehow. Fortunately compared to last year his shorts were a new pair so I didn’t have to stare at his hairy bum all day.

It pretty much rained all morning but I’ve got used to it now and feel like I could get through any weather that comes along. Belgium loves cobbled streets and bumpy roads but somehow my bike being the Trojan horse that it is just keeps going without any damage.

The ride today was relatively short but more adventurous, we went through a lot of closed roads for maintenance and ended up at one point wading through thick mud. Cleaning the gear is fun if you have a slight compulsive disorder when it comes to doing a thorough job, Edd and ben weren’t surprised when I shined my cycling shoes.

The day finished in Herental very close to Holland. We gambled on a hotel but the days of a cheap stay are long gone and had to pay a hefty amount. Breakfast was included though and that’s always where a cyclist makes up the money…

No quotes today as Edd and Ben are boycotting the blog however it has transpired that Ben takes his saddle off in the evening claiming it’s to prevent it getting wet but Edd told me that he cuddles it so he misses his girlfriend less, it’s worrying to say the least.

As we get closer to Holland the people shpeak a litlle lesh French and a little more fricky dicky Dutch. Fingers crossed for some shunny weather!

***getting caked in mud and then stared down in lidl***